I would like to begin by saying since I started this journal of my expeiriences into house wiving I’ve tried to keep it real and honest and since it seems you do journaling when your frustrated and upset I’m sure it comes off sounding much more depressed then it does joyful, which is why I would like to make sure and talk about the wonderful things as well as the struggles.
So far today has been a good day, I broke down and went to the doctor and got on an antibiotic which seems to be helping already, and that makes a huge difference when you almost feel like a human. Also Hunter, who for the last couple of days has been very fussy, (going through nanny withdrawl is what I like to call it, since his Grandma was just here and rarely puts him down, I don’t blame her either; he’s so darn cute and she doesn’t get to see him that often) has decided to become charming overnight. He spent the morning gurgling and cooing at me, on the floor where he could stretch out. I spent the morning trying to get him say the pheonem “ma”, which accoding to the internet he could say anytime. Whenever I would say “ma” he would smile at me, like I was so silly and he would never say anything that funny.
The entire thing was so darn cute I could barely stand it, and I felt my heart melting away. It’s amazing isn’t it how something so small, and something that hasn’t even been in your life that long can completely catch your soul? I mean I’ve always understood the concept of unconditional love, but not from this side of it. My Dad and I used to play this game where I would say “I love you Dad” and he would say “I love you more” which would go on for a while until he said, “I’ve loved you longer” and now I find out there was no arguing with that and he was right all along.
Strange how your own child can show you how much your parents love you. I mean I’ve always known they love me but now I understand what kind of love it is. It isn’t mutual; let me explain, I love them so much, but I didn’t realize that I loved them differently then they love me. I never knew how pure and how much their love is. I am so grateful for them, and my understanding and respect for them is so much now that I’ve experienced mine towards my son. Wierd, though, I don’t feel like I deserve anything close to what I feel for Hunter, but I suppose that is the true explanation of “unconditional”.
Thanks mom and dad, please know I love you so much, but I doubt I love you as much as you love me, after all you have loved me longer, and when I couldn’t love you back at all.