Summer’s End.

The kids must have really been wanting to get me ready for back to school because that last week of summer was pretty brutal. Oh, the fighting and whining and naughtiness of it all. Still, with my baby going to school all day and my days as a babysitter mostly over it was all bittersweet. In a way I feel guilty over being excited about this new phase in my life. A quiet house, time to myself, hours, not minutes, to sit and write. It feels rather extravagant.

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New school year, new mugs for my man and I.

Then, of course, there’s the fear. People only tolerate your non-traditional dreams for so long before they start demanding a payoff. Or perhaps that’s just how I envision it: “You’re staying home to write a novel? well we better see something in print in a year or else”. Sure I have my part time work at the fabric store, and yes my flexible schedule allows me to dive into the youth ministry in a way that wouldn’t really be possible otherwise. But somehow the fear that I’ll be judged on this next year is really paralyzing. 

All of this is coming off of a summer that was really difficult. A growing time, and a doubting time, and a hurting time. I think we’re coming out of it now, and it wasn’t all bad. In fact there were so many sweet moments where I felt cared for and loved in ways that I hadn’t known possible. I have a friend, who also writes and who understands me on a level that is scary. She gave me a folder for the pages of my novel we pass back and forth. The folder has Wonder Woman on it. She didn’t say anything but I know that she gave it to me so that when I used it I would fee empowered and not frightened of the dream inside me.

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One note book filled. The second being filled. A folder to remind me I’m a warrior of God. My lasso is a pen… or something… it makes sense to me.

Maybe it’s because I’m just a nerd at heart but this folder has really helped. I’m more of a Marvel girl myself, but that’s not the point. The point is that when my friend sees me, she believes in my dream and in my abilities. They only person judging me is me (or the only person that matters any way). God made me with special powers and instead of apologizing for them I need to embrace them, with humility and joy. She sees the wonder in me, it’s okay for me to see it too.

The same is true for my husband. For the man that supports me, and believes in my book, and shells out the cash for my classes and conferences. For the guy that listens to me cry at night when I’m afraid I should be sitting in an office. For that guy I want him to know that he’s Super Man. That I believe in him as much as he believes in me. That the ministry he is doing is a good ministry and that I think it’s changing lives. So I bought us these mugs. For once he didn’t tease me about the amount of coffee cups we own, he just smiled. Because yeah, we have dreams and they intertwine and we get it.

The first day of school. It's not a great Selfie. But hey we're at the movies and not having to pay a babysitter!
The first day of school. It’s not a great Selfie. But hey we’re at the movies and not having to pay a babysitter!

  Whatever dream it is that God’s put in your heart. I hope you know it’s your super power. Let’s embrace them together! 

10 thoughts on “Summer’s End.

  1. Jessie wow, thank you for sharing your feelings here. Honestly, this blog post could have been written by me this February, coming home on the first day of school back from OUR summer.
    I totally understand the fear of being judged by your year and how much you wrote, how productive it was. I found it completely paralysing, which is the most awful response, and it took me MONTHS to discover that the sense of judgement was my own, not anybody else’s, and to learn how to move through it. The biggest lesson I’ve learned this year is that it’s my journey, that God is proud of me, that so long as I strive to be the best me that I can be and be the best wife/mother/friend I can be in the process, as long as I keep moving forward, even if it’s at a snail’s pace, it’s all okay.
    Sending you a big hug today my friend, and a high-5. Go Superwoman, go!!

  2. This post is one of my all-time favorites. All I can say is your friend is lucky to have you too! And it made me cry. And I think you and Brian are quite the super-hero couple. And I love you both.

  3. Never feel guilty for staying home and working on your novel!! If you ever start to feel guilty think of all the years you have given your babies and other people’s kids. It was constant and you have earned this!

  4. This is a really awesome post Jessie! I am so proud of you in every way. As a mom, and a wife and a daughter and a friend. You have so many talents and gifts to share with the world and I know you can do whatever you set your mind too.

  5. This was lovely. I feel so proud of you and I hope the value you are finding at the start of this experience grows. This is a splendid post and a declaration of an exciting, if not a little scary, new season that I pray is filled with more blessing and healing and growth. So excited to see how this is used in your life!
    I’m also hoping I get to see you at Breathe. Will you be there?

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