A Confession…

I have a confession to make; lately I’ve been struggling with fear.

I like to say that I’m a “recovering worrier” because if your the nervous type it never completely goes away, or perhaps a better way to explain is that it’s always near the surface. As a child I worried all the time, “how would I pay my bills as an adult?” “What if I had said something stupid without realizing it and my friends were angry?” “Was I too sinful?” “Did I really believe in God?” While most children were playing house I was seriously worried what kind of housekeeper I would be when I had a real house someday. As far as I can tell my sisters didn’t struggle with fear the way I did/do and I can’t really say why I seem to be wired this way.

As an adult I had come to such a good place. I felt God closely to me and after going through some really difficult times but coming out safe, I finally understood what peace was. I truly trusted God, and knew that His will for my life was good and perfect. During a particularly difficult time in my life about a year ago, even though I was dealing with hurt and confusion, I felt God so close by my side I could almost see the sweetness in the pain.

So why is it that all of sudden I seem beset by anxiety and fear? I lay awake at night worrying about cancer and alzheimers and how badly am I emotionally wounding my children? In some areas of my life, where I’ve always struggled, I feel confident and almost euphoric, yet in others I feel more defeated then ever. I find myself thinking about my weight (again) a demon I thought I had truly conquered. There are things on my mind I can’t seem to ignore.

It’s oppressive and confusing and I don’t exactly know what’s missing. What am I doing wrong? I am in the midst of a group Bible Study but it isn’t digging me into the word and I think maybe that is part of it. But, there are other things going on, circumstances I can’t change, sins that I seem unable to rid myself of. How do I get back to that place of peace?

As my husband is fond of reminding me, I’m in my mid-thirties. I feel ashamed to tell you that I’m struggling in this way because I should be well beyond this mistrust. And isn’t that what fear truly is, not trusting God? But I also feel that I’ve been dishonest for several months, dishonest with myself, even. and I’m wondering, am I the only one?

This post isn’t meant to be a pity party, but a reaching out. I want you to know that the real me, doesn’t always have it together, even when she should. I’m wondering if maybe you’ve been there and have any advice? Maybe you’re there now and we can encourage each other.

IMG_5937Philippians 4: 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.


5 thoughts on “A Confession…

  1. I see the spiritual warfare aspect of this.
    The enemy knows what strongholds we have had in our lives.
    For me it’s a daily prayer litterly claiming the promises of Jesus sacrifice, death, and resurrection over the attacks of the enemy.
    I name each thing one by one.
    “I claim your promises and victory over (in my case) the spirit of anxiety, depression, and discontent” I lift up whatever I feel is coming against me. Some things change some are constant opponents.
    This is a daily battle. As we stand together it can be our daily victory.
    Thank you for being so honest and encouraging us to do the same.

    1. Thank you for your encouragement. I’m not good at being specific and claiming victory. I think I will try this every morning or night. So hard to remember that these simple spiritual disciplines can really help.

  2. I love the Phil. 4 verse, and also another great one, is 2 Tim. 1:7–“I have not given you a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of self-discipline.” I am a lot older than you,(we just won’t mention how much right now…) and I have fought fear my entire life. Still fight it, and I agree with Court, that it is a spiritual battle. It helps to get spiritual warfare books which have prayers to read, have a texting team of two or three friends who are always ready to stand in the gap for one another, and daily prayer to fight the one who wants to keep us from writing. Satan will put distractions, discouragement, fear, inadequacy and anything he can in front of us, because we are writing for the honor and glory of GOD. Those things do not come from God so refuse to accept them. Put on the armor every day, as in Eph. 6. Accept the Holy Spirit’s comfort and guidance over every day. Keep going!!

  3. As a friend once told me, You’re so lovely, I hope you really know that. You’re not alone. I think I’ve probably felt worried or fearful about all of these things, like today, maybe every day. It’s a process, a daily process of relying on Him. Of not getting to a place where we are without worry and fear but a place where we know what to do with them and stop trying to defeat them on our own.

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