I have a confession to make; lately I’ve been struggling with fear.
I like to say that I’m a “recovering worrier” because if your the nervous type it never completely goes away, or perhaps a better way to explain is that it’s always near the surface. As a child I worried all the time, “how would I pay my bills as an adult?” “What if I had said something stupid without realizing it and my friends were angry?” “Was I too sinful?” “Did I really believe in God?” While most children were playing house I was seriously worried what kind of housekeeper I would be when I had a real house someday. As far as I can tell my sisters didn’t struggle with fear the way I did/do and I can’t really say why I seem to be wired this way.
As an adult I had come to such a good place. I felt God closely to me and after going through some really difficult times but coming out safe, I finally understood what peace was. I truly trusted God, and knew that His will for my life was good and perfect. During a particularly difficult time in my life about a year ago, even though I was dealing with hurt and confusion, I felt God so close by my side I could almost see the sweetness in the pain.
So why is it that all of sudden I seem beset by anxiety and fear? I lay awake at night worrying about cancer and alzheimers and how badly am I emotionally wounding my children? In some areas of my life, where I’ve always struggled, I feel confident and almost euphoric, yet in others I feel more defeated then ever. I find myself thinking about my weight (again) a demon I thought I had truly conquered. There are things on my mind I can’t seem to ignore.
It’s oppressive and confusing and I don’t exactly know what’s missing. What am I doing wrong? I am in the midst of a group Bible Study but it isn’t digging me into the word and I think maybe that is part of it. But, there are other things going on, circumstances I can’t change, sins that I seem unable to rid myself of. How do I get back to that place of peace?
As my husband is fond of reminding me, I’m in my mid-thirties. I feel ashamed to tell you that I’m struggling in this way because I should be well beyond this mistrust. And isn’t that what fear truly is, not trusting God? But I also feel that I’ve been dishonest for several months, dishonest with myself, even. and I’m wondering, am I the only one?
This post isn’t meant to be a pity party, but a reaching out. I want you to know that the real me, doesn’t always have it together, even when she should. I’m wondering if maybe you’ve been there and have any advice? Maybe you’re there now and we can encourage each other.
Philippians 4: 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.