Before I get started I have to give Megan Martin a huge shoutout for giving my blog a face lift. The artwork (including the background) is completely original. I LOVE it, and I think, totally captures me and the blog. It pays to have artists as some of your closest friends. Thank you Megan. You can connect with her on Instagram @notesbymeganmartin.
This last week was an interesting week. It was a week where I feel like I may have crested a small hill. The kids started school, and while I may have had a bit of breakdown myself (once they were safely in their class) they did great. It was an awesome week, they got off the bus each day smiling and seeming really happy. This Monday a little girl stuck her head out of the window and called “Bye Hunter!”What a huge relief to see them doing well. And I know a lot of you were praying about that so thank you it means so much to me to feel my family wrapped in your love.
In church Sunday a lovely older woman and her husband sat by me. They sat there so I wouldn’t have to sit alone (Brian’s working with the kids and my kids are in childrens’ church) and it was so kind. It made a huge difference to how difficult Sundays have become. She squeezed my hand, and asked how I was doing. I almost responded with my usual “great,” but something about her made me think she was really asking. So I told her the truth. Every week that passes is a little easier then the week before. Every week I feel a little less sad and a little more happy. Each week I’m less confused in the grocery store, and feel more confident getting around town. Having this beautiful woman sitting by me helped me feel peaceful during service instead of lonely, and after church I had some nice conversations with people.
That isn’t to say that there aren’t still times when I’m overcome by waves of loss. I’m not sure there’s anyway to stop missing people you love deeply. I’m not sure I want to. Some of the biting hurt is starting to fade but, I suspect, there will always be a place that isn’t whole. I suppose that really is what heaven is about, perfect relationship-ness. When Brian and I were engaged the thing I most looked forward to for marriage was not having to say goodbye at night. And I think, that heaven will be like that, not having to say goodbye any more whether because of moving, broken relationships, or death. In heaven there won’t be separation from God or from each other.
That gives me hope. Each day when I walk the dog, my feet pounding the pavement I think about the fact that in a way I’m lucky. Lucky to have so many people to miss so deeply. And, with each step I hope that I’m getting closer to home.
Most Sundays we go to the Sound. Sit in the sand, skip rocks, try to spot the harbor seals. It may not be Lake Michigan but it’s still very good soul medicine.