Insomnia. For two nights I laid in bed, trying to fall asleep. Really wracking my brain for anything I was stressed about but coming up empty. Except, that I was anxious. My insomnia is usually accompanied by shooting adrenaline. My heart racing the feel of my own blood pumping through my veins.
Finally, on night three, exasperated I decided to try and pray. I figured if nothing else maybe God was trying to get my attention about something.
I found myself thinking about my book. I’d finished the second draft a couple weeks ago and hadn’t really touched it since. quietly there was that small voice “Why? Why haven’t you written?” Oh I don’t know, weird schedules, some crafting projects. “You haven’t even blogged.”
I hadn’t? Was I avoiding writing? Why would I do that when I know that it brings me joy and peace.
Do you trust Me?
Here’s the thing. Every milestone on my novel brings me one step closer to my desired goal of publication. Except that publication isn’t a guarantee at all. It’s really hard to get your foot in the door, there are thousands upon thousands of people wanting to be published. There’s soon coming a time when I will have no more control over this little story that I’ve lived in for the last two years. There is quickly coming a time when it will be completely in God’s control.
And while I believe that He could open the right doors I don’t completely trust that He will. There’s that insecure part of me that worries He’s brought me this far just to tell me “no”. That He doesn’t think I’m good enough, or that I can handle it. That this dream I’ve carried with me since I first read on my own won’t come to fruition.
I realize how that sounds. I can see that God has provided for and blessed me in a million wonderful ways. I feel like I should be beyond these types of self and God doubt. I know that dragging my feet is just avoiding the problem. I wish that I was more spiritually mature, or, better yet, that I’d had a vision so I could know without a doubt that The Music Between Worlds would land on book store shelves.
Hebrews 11:1 “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.”
Faith and hope are constant things, they do battle against our history and our insecurities. But I also know that it isn’t hope for the future if we can see the future. I’ve learned that over the last two years. And I’ve also learned that God is faithful even when we’re not. So, I’m going to send this book out to Beta readers, and I’m going to continue to grow as a writer and I’m going to choose to have confidence in what I hope for, even when I can’t see it.