It’s Okay to Feel Grateful.

Last night was writer’s group. Yesterdays meeting was slightly smaller then usual just me and one other friend but it turned out to be such a wonderful sacred time. I took my chapter, read it to her got some great feedback. But it didn’t end there, we started talking about life, how she doesn’t really love her job, how finances are a bit snug for my family right now. Normal things, but somehow the conversation turned to an inward battle I’ve been facing lately. One that is related to her working and snug finances…

This year has changed a lot of things for me. Really exciting changes. The children are all in school, both my own and the ones I babysit and while I was sad to see that season of my life end I was also excited. Excited about what I was going to do with all that time. Write a novel, help out with my grandparents, volunteer at the school, work more hours at the fabric shop cook and bake ever more nutritious meals. And while some of that has come to fruition some of it hasn’t. I’m actually working less hours at the shop because our web-store is mostly inventoried, and I haven’t quite gotten brave enough to volunteer yet. The other thing that has happened is that our budget is tighter. Not strangling tight, our day to day life is relatively unaffected but some of the “fun money” things are gone. That should be okay, I knew it was going to happen, and I was happy to give it up to work on this book but…

I feel so GUILTY. It’s permeating almost every thing I do. I really really really enjoy being at home in the quiet with the dog getting to work on writing and cooking in peace and have something stay clean for ten minutes. I really really enjoyed taking my grandparents to Maryland. It feels wrong to enjoy your life so much. Especially when people around you don’t have that luxury. And then there’s the finances part of it, I mean my husband and I are kind of gambling on me right now and I don’t know that I like that pressure. What if I spend the next couple of years on this book AND IT NEVER GETS PUBLISHED?

These are the things I hear in my heart every day “Your being selfish. You’ll never finish this book. Your waisting you and your familys’ time. Your waisting the opportunity that your foremothers fought for” Last night my friend helped me see that those things are lies. My husband is so supportive and the flexibility in my schedule allows me to work along side him in ministry which is something we both really value. I get to open my home to the students, host coffee club, craft days and movie nights. I spent this very morning writing a puppet skit for the little kids. When my family gets home usually dinner is going and there are less chores for my husband (who has always been a huge help around the house) to do. More time for us to spend as a family. The suffragettes and women’s movements were fighting to give us a choice about how we would spend our lives, not forcing us into a different role. Why should I feel so bad about choosing to stay at home?

I’m not trying to pat myself on the back, I feel really lucky to get to do the things I like so well, and that’s where the guilt cycle starts. Satan would love for us to feel guilty about doing what we love. I’m guessing if your a woman out there in the workforce and you love your job Satan is trying to make you feel guilty that you don’t mop the floor at home enough. Or if your a teacher that your not doing a good enough job reaching students… Why would he ever want us to feel content or grateful? It’s crazy that I love what I do so much and I feel guilty for feeling thankful that is just bonkers.

Maybe the best way to honor the women who fought to give us choices about our lives, to honor the God who made us, and to worship Him is to actually be okay with doing what we do. If we’re at-home-moms and we love it I think God is happiest when we just enjoy it. If you are a career woman I think God is most honored when you embrace that and decide that you don’t have to cook homemade meals every night to be a good mom. I think it’s good to be happy where we are, most people spend their entire lives trying to be happy, lets not let Satan make us feel guilty if we actually are!